Originally posted on soulcadencecreative.com.
If you are googling information about being a good mom, or you are trying to learn what makes someone a good mom, chances are, YOU ARE A GOOD MOM. Already, just as you are, even as you try to learn.
Something I always say to my clients and social media followers is:
*If your kids are safe, loved, fed, mostly clean, and mostly happy, then you're doing a good job*
I say "mostly" clean and happy because as any parent knows, kids' cleanliness and mood can change on the drop of a dime. Sometimes, even when a dime really drops, ha-ha.
If you are googling information about being a good mom, or you are trying to learn what makes someone a good mom, chances are, YOU ARE A GOOD MOM. Already, just as you are, even as you try to learn.
Something I always say to my clients and social media followers is
*If your kids are safe, loved, fed, mostly clean, and mostly happy, then you're doing a good job*
I say "mostly" clean and happy because as any parent knows, kids' cleanliness and mood can change on the drop of a dime. Sometimes, even when a dime really drops, ha ha.
There are a lot of things related to our kids that are out of our control, but if we are providing LOVE, SAFETY, AND FOOD, we're doing exactly what we are supposed to do. Much of the other stuff is based on personal opinion, preference, and lifestyle.
This is the part where I point out, love and safety include how we are caring for our children's minds and spirit, doing our best not to make them only act right out of "fear", but providing some kind of structure and support so they can learn to trust themselves as they learn and grow. So, love and safety, in this context, does include how we are treating their minds and spirits. Again, even in this realm, some of this is determined based on personal opinion, preference, and lifestyle.
Beyond this, sometimes we just get caught up in the comparison game, and that can really destroy our spirits.
Creating Honest and Accurate Affirmations that We are Good Moms
In module 3 of my program, Cultivating Cadence, I specifically work with clients regarding identity, especially in the stage of motherhood. The program is currently running Live in my membership, and this week's live coaching (module 3) is specifically around our identity and the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves.
One aspect of our identity - our idea of self - if we are mothers is the question: Am I a good mom?
I have a worksheet in the program workbook that walks you through an activity to help remind you that you are a good mom.
Here's the thing, a lot of what we feel mom guilt about comes from those areas of motherhood that are all about opinion, preference, or lifestyle. It comes from comparing to others who share those opinions, preferences or lifestyles with confidence or as the end all, be all.
Still, some of the things we feel guilty about comes down to things that are actually good for ourselves or our families, but the messages we internalize contradict them. (This comes in the form of cognitive dissonance and cognitive distortions).
For example: if you get to the end of the day, the kids are in bed, and you toss everything in the dishwasher but don't do anything else, opting to read or watch tv or engage in some other hobby instead of doing a major clean up from the day, you're still a good mom (you don't even have to do the dishwasher thing, but often, many of us get the dishes taken care of if nothing else, but that's not a prerequisite for enjoying your hobby). You're still a great mom. You are giving yourself rest, mental space, and moments of peace. That is essential for running a household.
Let's say you're beat at the end of the day, so you pull out frozen chicken nuggets, frozen fries, a can of green beans, and some canned fruit. You get that all made up and that's your kids' dinner. Great! They are fed, and you preserved some mental space for yourself. Is it cereal night or everyone fend for themselves night? Still a good mom. [A note: fend for yourself night is obviously for those kids who are old enough to do so. Preparing food for your kids, or giving them access to age-appropriate foods they can access for themselves is part of love and safety and ensuring they are fed.]
When we look at ourselves overall, we can take a look at those moments we KNOW we did well and assess moments we feel we fell short. Yet, just like every other aspect of life, motherhood is about the overall story. The overall journey. How the moments come together to create the bigger picture, like a pointillism painting.
So, in the worksheet, we break down the mantra "I am a good mom when..."
For example, for me, I might write down things like:
- I am a good mom when I take care of my mind and body.
- I am a good mom when I feed my kids, even if it comes from a can, my freezer, or a restaurant.
- I am a good mom when I make sure my kids have a safe, [mostly] clean living environment.
- I am a good mom when I apologize when I make a mistake.
- I am a good mom when I hold boundaries.
- I am a good mom when I teach my kids to be kind, respectful, and compassionate.
The lists could go on and on. Maybe for you, it's being able to give your kids certain experiences. Perhaps it's about how you answer your kids' questions or how you choose to parent. Maybe it's about giving your kids certain educational opportunities or entertainment opportunities. Maybe it's that your family emphasizes experiences over materials. Any mix of any of these and more apply.
Why do we write this down?
For those days we really doubt ourselves, or bring ourselves under scrutiny, having these written down really make a difference. Our brains see things we write down as very important, and reading in our handwriting can help us take it that much more personally.
It's been shown that writing things by hand can have a positive impact on retention and comprehension. So, writing these affirmations down helps us internalize them. As we internalize them, they affect the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves. In doing so, they become our beliefs and shape our identity.
A note about growth:
I emphasize honest, because, for example, while maybe it's true that holding boundaries for our kids is a good thing, constantly yelling or creating an emotionally unstable environment likely isn't the best for our families. So, we want to affirm the honest things. This doesn't excuse poor behavior, like being emotionally unsafe in our home in the example above, but it allows us to grow in what we are already doing well.
As moms in charge of shaping tiny humans who will grow into adults - and heck, even as partners in relationships - it's our responsibility to look within ourselves at our own toxicity and work on that. It's important that to become the moms we want to be to look at what we are doing well, and own that, while also acknowledging where we might need growth and change.
I still want to share: areas of weakness DO NOT make us bad moms. They are areas of weakness. Still, it's our responsibility to assess how our areas of weakness affect our children, and to be aware if they are preventing our children from being Loved, Safe, Fed, Mostly Clean, and Mostly Happy. Because, ultimately, our children's development, especially early on, is completely in our own care.
If you want to explore this for yourself and write out your own affirmations, you can download the worksheet that breaks it down for FREE. Or you can simply open up a journal and do this activity for yourself.
♥♣♠♦ Candice Jeneé ♥♣♠♦
Founder, Creative Mommas’ Haven
