Many moms feel like they lose themselves in early motherhood. They become disconnected from who they were before, worried that their entire identity is now one singular title: Mother.
Navigating the early years of motherhood can be overwhelming, and it’s easy to feel disconnected from your pre-motherhood identity. Here are some ways mothers can feel reconnected to themselves, along with some simple daily tasks to maintain their sense of self.
Why are the early days of motherhood sometimes so difficult and overwhelming?
Motherhood changes so much. Especially those early days. No matter how the children come into the home, they drastically change the environment of the home. In the best ways possible. But, it also leaves moms a bit disconnected from who they used to be.
Moms are typically the ones expected to be the ones caring for the children. In fact, they still do much of the primary caregiving, they still take more time off work, and they still spend more time with their children today than stay-at-home mothers did decades ago.
With all of this pressure, it can feel like we’re drowning.
For those that entered motherhood by way of pregnancy, there are the hormonal shifts, the postpartum recovery period, the mental & emotional shifts. Add to that the lack of sleep and the tiny human constantly attached to you, it’s no wonder we begin to feel a little less than human at times.
Even for moms who became moms through adoption or fostering or blending families, there is a major adjustment period. Changes in sleeping patterns can still occur.
For every mom, this shift into motherhood comes with: changes in schedule, changes in expectations, changes in lifestyle, changes in demands.
Add societal and cultural expectations on top of that, and it’s a lot to handle and wade through.
Most of us love it. We have hard moments, hard days. Yet, we wouldn’t trade it for anything. Whether we stay home, return to work, have a partner or do it solo, it’s a title we wear proudly. One that is at the forefront of how we introduce ourselves, how we interact with others, and how we move through the world.
Along with getting married comes the increase in mental load. That increases the minute a child enters the home. That mental load typically comes to the mom, not the dad.
Many moms also know the social circle changes that comes with having a baby or bringing a child into their home. Either by becoming a lower priority as we care for our kids, or the friends fall away if they find themselves in different life stages.
I know one of my best recent connections is a mom with kids nearly the same ages as my kids. She gets me. I get her. We relate to the highs and lows of this season of motherhood.
Still, I am so thankful for the friends I still have that are in other life stages. Friends who don’t have kids, and those whose kids are much older than mine.
If we really pull away from social connections, early motherhood becomes isolating and lonely, which it can end up being, anyway, by nature of putting our kids first.
This list could go on and on. We could talk about the changes in our hobbies, our responsibilities, our workload, and more.
This all adds up, though, for moms to feel like they lose themselves. Sometimes, moms feel like their entire being gets wrapped up in this new role. They now only fall under only one label: “MOTHER”.
However, while our children definitely need our continual care and support, and becoming a mom does become a large part of who we are, it’s not the whole. It’s a part of our identity that changes over time. Motherhood comes in stages, and if we make it our whole identity, we end up left empty when the nest gets emptied.
Things you can do in 10 minutes or less each day to feel like yourself again in motherhood
Let’s start with the quick winds. These are things you can do each day in 10 minutes or less to really start feeling like yourself again, and help you reconnect with your inner voice, your inner self. Quick wins are always a great way to get started.
- Listen to your favorite kind of music. If you are constantly listening to The Wheels on the Bus or other kids’ music, it can be hard to remember what you love. Especially if you were already splitting music listening time with your spouse. Listening to your favorite kind of music can go a long way in letting you feel like yourself again.
- Spend time doing a favorite hobby (or perhaps a latent one or pick up a new one you’ve been wanting to do for so long). Having babies can really take us away from the hobbies we used to enjoy. Going back to those things or picking up new hobbies we had previously been interested in can really reconnect us with ourselves.
- Dress for the day - choose clothes that are comfortable and make you feel good and confident. (I was not always good at this. Developing chronic illnesses after back-to-back pregnancies made me just want to stay in p.j.s all the time. But, dressing for the day made a HUGE difference in my mental wellness and confidence). Wearing clothes for the day that you love builds confidence and comfort.
- Call a friend (or for a little longer - hang out with a friend). Get offline connection. Motherhood can be isolating. Connecting with friends brings us back to ourselves apart from that role and isolation.
- Fill your home with your favorite scents (candles, room sprays, diffusing, etc). Scent is one of the most powerful senses. Filling our space with smells we enjoy is a wonderful way to reconnect with ourselves.
- Mindful movements. Take a dance break, go for a walk, do some quick stretches/yoga. Mindful movements that you enjoy. Moving our bodies makes a difference in our mental health, so doing this when we are feeling lost, or questioning who we are, can bring us back to who we are in the moment.
- Read or listen to an audiobook in your favorite genre or your favorite movie. Just like the music, we tend to get so caught up in kids’ books, movies, music, etc. Make sure you take time for your books and tv shows, too. Let it break up the repetitive nature of your constant children’s entertainment.
- Take a moment for a hot beverage. We all get that joke about how mom never gets to enjoy a hot drink or food. Instead, take time for yourself to get warm food or a hot drink.
- Take a shower/bath. Giving yourself adequate time for hygiene really helps to feel like a regular, full grown human being. It gives space from the kids, and sets an example.
These simple activities each day contribute to mom’s self-care. And, while we can all agree we might need more time to ourselves, these simple things in the midst of a busy day when we have the kids 24.7 give us the ability to connect with ourselves and not lose our voice or our concept of selves during the early motherhood days.
Some longer-time ways you can feel like yourself again and get back to a new “normal”
- Get confident in your motherhood choices. Motherhood comes with a lot of choices that many would have you believe are one-or-the-other, right-or-wrong. But, motherhood comes with a lot of nuance. Breast feeding, bottle feeding. Cloth or disposable diapers. Baby led weaning or pures. Home school, public school, private school. It’s all DAUNTING. Confidence in our motherhood choices, even in the face of opposition, allows us to align our motherhood with our values, and integrating our motherhood selves with our whole selves.
- Build community. It can be really easy to hide ourselves away at home in the name of caring for our families. When, in reality, the exhaustion and needs keep us hiding away. Continue to build community with those you were connected with before, or find new ways to connect outside your home, especially offline. Consider moms groups, MOPS programs, etc.
- Journaling. Developing a journaling habit can really help us process and explore those early days of motherhood. Journals help us process, reduce stress, and keep us on track with goals. Journaling can also help us develop a habit of gratitude. Gratitude is another topic for another day, but in this regard it allows us to really see what it is that is good in our lives, and research says that’s wonderful for us.
- Develop an exercise routine. Moving our body frequently and sustainably lets us feel connected to ourselves in the moment, plus it reduces stress, which lets us go back to our babies refreshed and ready to conquer motherhood.
Why does it matter?
As I shared earlier, women often feel like their identity has been reduced to “just a mother”. No one is “just a mother”, and even if a woman does nothing but mothering for the entirety of her mothering career, the role she plays is so important that “just” doesn’t do it justice.
Women often feel invisible and unappreciated after becoming mothers. Even if it only feels that way occasionally, occasionally is enough. When we combine these feelings with the societal pressures on mothers, moms can end up isolated and doubting themselves, filling them with anxiety, depression, resentment, and more.
When women are able to feel human, to feel like themselves, and they find their voice again, these negative feelings are reduced. This allows mothers to be strong and bold in their motherhood, raising happy, connected kids.
Engaging in the above activities helps keep moms plugged into the things that made her who she was before motherhood. Parts of herself that she will carry with her when motherhood changes to late-stage motherhood (ie- the empty nest).
Share this post with a mother you know today who may be tired and need encouragement. Send it to a mom who’s new in her motherhood. Send it to a momma just because.
If this resonates with you or someone you know, and you are looking for support to overcome burnout in motherhood and find life/work-life balance without losing yourself or sacrificing your family, let’s connect.
My program Cultivating Cadence was designed with moms like this in mind. Moms who know there's another way and they are ready to heal from burnout, find work-life balance, and live their dream life in motherhood and business.
Hope to see you inside!
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