It's nearly midnight and I'm writing this as a confession of sorts.
As a woman living in America, these times feel extremely draconian at times - and this is coming from a fairly privileged perspective. As a chronically ill and neurodivergent woman I often get pulled into trying to prove my ability as a marker of my worth and value.
The reality is, though, that chronic illness and neurodivergence means I do things differently, that my energy and capacity are different.
As a woman, my cycle also means I work differently than many of us are expected to work.
So, what does all of this have to do with migraines, missed goals, and chronically ill motherhood?
MIGRAINES
Yesterday (like, not time wise, but in terms of sleep-wake cycles) I had a migraine. It was my daughter's first day of school. I had a lovely day just me and my son. And I had a migraine.
By end of day when we were all together as a family, my usual inclination on a migraine day is to go to my room and turn off all the lights, but last night, I didn't want to. I never really WANT to, but it's the most comfortable. Still, I hate missing my family and wasn't willing to do so on my daughters first day of first grade.
That migraine meant that I wasn't able to do any of my creative work in the night - something I usually do after the kids go to bed. (Though, I do try to get started before midnight...just, tonight, here we are.)
Migraines to not often lend to creativity, at least not in an active sense. Sometimes, I do outlining and prewriting in my head when I'm laying with an icepack in the dark. But overall, migraines do not lend well to creativity.
Which leads me to missed goals.
MISSED GOALS
I had a desire to blog every day this week. That didn't happen yesterday on the first day of school. I also missed my carousel post. The only reason I got a pin up is because I had it preset.
These goals were set by me knowing this week would likely be a little crazy.
What I didn't realize was a migraine would strike.
What I didn't realize was it is PMDD week.
Sometimes chronic illness means adjusting goals, missing goals, or scrapping them all together.
Sometimes neurodivergence means forming goals that suit you rather than the system.
Often times migraines mean mini-pivots, breaks, rest.
The beauty of running my own businesses is that I get to have space to make these shifts. The beauty of being a self-employed mom means not only am I able to make these shifts, I'm also able to be here for my kids, in whatever that context looks like in this season of our lives.
Last night, it meant my daughter turning off all the lights in the living space so we could all still hang out - it was like a movie theater.
Did it feel great to my head? No.
Was I much happier still being among my family? YES. Absolutely, yes.
Tonight, it meant my kids coming into my bedroom with me to watch someone play Animal Crossing on YouTube while I worked and my husband ran to get dinner after a stressful evening. (Any moms out there know, sometimes the first week of school is a lot for everyone.)
Tomorrow, who knows what it will look like. I know I'll show up for my client sessions while my son plays and listens to music without having to fight with his sister. I know it'll include a break in my day to get to be the one to pick up my little girl and bring her home to a nutritious snack. I know it will include fajitas for dinner (that my son won't eat, of course) and a specific line-up of videos my kids wait to see each Friday.
Missed goals can feel overwhelming when you're self-employed and running your own businesses. They can make you question what you might be able to accomplish or what you're showing your kids.
Instead of seeing them as fully missed, we can see them as opportunities to shift.
To try something different.
To reallocate our energy.
To recalibrate our next step.
To determine how we can adjust goals and move forward.
When you're chronically ill or neurodivergent - and I'm just lucky enough to be both - it impacts work and motherhood. (Hence the starting of this discourse.)
CHRONICALLY ILL MOTHERHOOD
I was chronically ill before becoming a mom.
I was neurodivergent before becoming a mom, too, I just didn't know it yet.
Back-to-back pregnancies triggered other chronic illnesses in my body, and it's been an uphill climb since then.
So, I've learned to adjust in motherhood.
Through new diagnoses.
Through PPD/PPA and worsening PMDD.
Through moves across town and across country.
Through different phases of business and employment.
One big thing chronic illness in adulthood - especially in motherhood and self-employment - has taught me is how to adjust, adapt, and pivot.
It's a skill that may as well come in handy as things in this country continue to shift and change.
It means I get to continue to contribute and show up in ways I wouldn't be able to as a 9-5 working mom.
Not with kids.
Not with chronic illness.
Not with AuDHD.
Being able to have avenues to contribute to my family, to show up for them, to show up for myself, is something that keeps me going on the hard days.
The migraine days.
The PMDD weeks.
The brain fog days.
We live in a world that tends to put value and emphasis on that contribution, but it's been a long learning process that my value just IS.
Because I am a person.
My worth isn't diminished on the "missed goal" days or in seasons of quiet.
My merits aren't the only things I have going for me.
I am valuable simply because I AM.
You, fellow mom - chronically ill, neurodivergent, or otherwise (any and all) - your value just is.
Because you are a person.
Your worth isn't diminished on the hard days or in seasons of quiet.
Your merits aren't the only things you have going for you.
You are valuable simply because YOU ARE.
And, if you're reading this see yourself reflected here, I created my Cultivating Cadence Community + coaching just for you. Cultivating Cadence is a cozy community for self-employed moms who want to build in a cozy way without burning out. A space for rhythm, rest, and real strategy. Designed for women who are tired of pretending everything's fine, but who know it all can be with a few simple adjustments.
If you have questions and want to know if this coaching membership is right for you, feel free to contact me for a brief connection call.
I look forward to seeing you in there.
